Death and Social Media

Death, Grief and Social Media

Have you ever thought about what will happen to your Facebook and Twitter accounts when you die? I hadn’t given it a moments thought until a friend (real and Facebook) of mine died a few years ago. His family chose to keep his Facebook account active. I admit I find it disconcerting when I receive invitations from him to play a game or am told that he ‘likes’ some page or other, yet I can’t bring myself to unfriend him or refuse to accept his posts. Social media is so entrenched in our daily lives that emotionally, for families, it can be difficult to let go of that link to the person who has died. Our online profile is like an extension of our lives – a journal of our everyday thoughts and interactions. Closing that, for some grieving relatives, is akin to burning the diary or photographs of their loved one.

 Grieving, as a social media user can be particularly difficult. For many it’s overwhelming to see their timeline bombarded with stories and images of the person who has died. It used to be that we attended a funeral and after that tried to come to terms with the loss. It’s hard to feel a real sense of loss when there are constant, however well intentioned, photographs and references to remind us. There is less opportunity for closure. In the days before social media would you go to a friend’s house everyday and post photographs of their dead father through the door? The online equivalent is, apparently, perfectly acceptable. The way (and how long) we mourn if we are a social media user is sometimes imposed on us by others.

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“The very public outpouring of grief and sympathy that used to be reserved for ‘celebrities’, is now perceived as a normal, even desirable, way to deal with death.”

Robin Williams’ daughter Zelda felt she had no option but to stop using her social media accounts after trolls were sending abusive messages and photo-shopped images of her father’s body. The posts were removed and the perpetrators accounts were suspended but only after the damage to the family was done. Thankfully, this sort of interaction is a relatively rare occurrence but it does give a sense that in cyberspace there are no social conventions with regards to death and grief. Is it appropriate to ‘like’ a death announcement? Social media is often the only point of contact we have with some of our friends and we feel a sense of obligation to respond to others life events, afraid that to not comment will make us look cold and uncaring. If we are all too busy worrying about what our online friends think about us, or rather our online persona, are our sympathies and condolences genuine or for appearances sake, ticking a box?

 I have seen messages and images sent to those in mourning that have made my toes curl. Hackneyed, saccharine offerings, usually with overly sentimental verses stolen from greetings cards that I can’t imagine offering any real comfort to anyone. Rather like last minute Christmas shopping people feel they must produce something, anything! Call me old fashioned but I remain convinced that a simple, private message conveys more heartfelt sympathy than a picture of a sad looking, oh so cute puppy holding a flower. There is, of course, comfort to be had from the confirmation that others have taken time to think about your situation and how you might be feeling. It is difficult to find the right words to say to a friend who is mourning the loss of someone they love but we really should make the effort and end this reliance on pre-produced images and platitudes. The computer screen gives us a distance from the bereaved and we tend to feel comfortable interacting with them in this format.

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A phone call can be more difficult particularly if you haven’t seen the person for 20 years but typing a message of condolence feels manageable and acceptable.

 Perhaps the simplest solution is to make it clear to our social media friends how we wish to be treated following a bereavement. The online equivalent of a Do Not Disturb sign. I’m sure most people would respect any specific instructions e.g. please do not post any photographs or a more general request to be allowed to mourn privately. Surely that’s the point of social media – communication.

 Social media is still a relatively new phenomenon. We currently only have anecdotal information on the psychological effects, if any, of those grieving under it’s glare. A few days ago I found an article in the Evening Express about a mother in Aberdeen who found out about her 26 year old son’s death on Facebook before the authorities had time to find and contact her. There are many similar stories. It’s worrying to think that it didn’t occur to the person who posted this news on Facebook to contact her first? Or worse, maybe it did but he or she didn’t want to give up the bragging rights on being first to break the news.

 There is no doubt that social media has had a positive impact in some areas relating to death and life limiting illness. Facebook and Twitter have been used, very effectively, to raise awareness of previously unfamiliar diseases and health charities. A great example of this is the amazing legacy of Stephen Sutton who was able to raise almost £5 million for the Teenage Cancer Trust after his bucket list post went viral. Social media also offers a unique forum and opportunity for patients, professionals and the public to candidly discuss the difficult issues surrounding terminal illness and end of life care.

 Many patients are using social media as a mini blog –  to document their treatment, symptoms and the final days, sometimes hours before death. The hope is to inform, lessen the taboo and engage others in the tricky subject of death and dying. That is admirable as long as it is the individual’s choice. During the last few days of life the relentless well wishing on social media can be less of a comfort and more intrusive for families. I read recently of a family who were outraged after a charity donation page was set up on their son’s behalf by his social media friends. The money donated was intended to be given to his wife and children. The parents of the man felt that this was deeply disrespectful and resented the intrusion into precious time they had left with their dying son. They have a point. Choosing to use Facebook and Twitter should not mean we have signed away the right to die and grieve privately.

 As well as writing wills and funeral wishes should we be leaving instructions for the future of our social media accounts after death? Making the decision now might spare our loved ones some anguish on the subject.

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Social media, newspaper plea bring 100 to funeral of British WWII soldier
Harold Percival, who died at age 99, never married and never had children. That worried funeral home directors, who feared no one would turn up for his services. But thanks to an emotional plea in a local newspaper and appealing through social media, more than 100 came to pay their respects to Percival and his service during World War II.